So I had an interview with my background investigator for the local police force and I think it went well. There were only a couple of rough spots. First: I didn't know he was going to beat with a phone book when I hesitated about my employment history. Second: I wasn't expecting him to go so deep into my history. I found my self yelling, "I don't know where the Lindergh baby is! Stop beating me, it is very painful!" Well, now that I think of it, there was one more awkward moment. At the end of the interview we shook hands and then he tried to kiss me. He said something about how that is how he likes to end these kind of interviews. Who am I to say no?

While walking around my home this morning I noticed that my underwear wasn't fitting just right. They were almost falling off of my body. I have come up with two ideas to explain this. Either I have lost so much weight that they simply cannot hang on to my waist, or the elastic in my underwear is spent and it is time to buy some new ones. I'm blogging about my underwear. My life sucks.

You should go read this site. Really funny.

I close on my new house on the 31st! Which means, starting in August I can take my time killing those hookers, because I won't be sharing a duplex. Those bitches make too much noise. Another bonus is that I can use my riding lawn mower while wearing my mesh hat that reads, "DAMN SEAGULLS!" with a bunch of fake birdshit. This shall indeed rule.

After I took a shower this morning my toilet was making weird noises, like it was talking to me. I think it was saying, "Stop shitting in my mouth."

I just signed some waivers and turned in my background information packet for the Omaha Police Department. I hope they don't find out about that dead hooker in Vegas... So, I just wrote down my entire life in 18 pages. Gross. Assuming I pass everything, I could expect to have a job in November or December, which isn't too bad. A libertarian cop, should be interesting...

Yesterday I had a meeting at the bank about my loan application. Everything seems to be going well. We are still shooting for a closing date of August 1. I am really excited about this. If you want to help me move, just go ahead and post in the comments section about how fun it would be to move my couch and other shit.

Today I was using a urinal in a public restroom and I noticed that the guy next to me was standing much closer to the pee recptical than I was. This led me to wonder, "Am I standing too far away from the urinal? Should I be closer? Am I so far out that other guys can check me out?"

The main problem with this is that I feel that if I get any closer, I will be on top of the urinal. This would be bad for many reasons, but the one that I am most concerned about is the splashback factor. Who wants piss on themselves? I don't.

So, as of late I feel like I have been drifting away from most of my "friends". Not to say that it is a bad thing, maybe we were never all that close to begin with. I hate the hardcore scene and I sometimes feel like I really hate about 90% of the people that go to shows. Now I am being called a huge dick because I have no interest in seeing their shitty bands and for some reason this always gets couched into "supporting your friends". To me, if a person is going to see a friends band that they hate, they are not supporting them, you are simply lying to your friends. Fuck this false notion of support. It's fucking blackmail.